I

Am bored and worried. Pretty depressing. As the sun rose on me, lying on the floor after the third or fourth night on and off sleep because of neck pain. Something in the air reminded me of the fact that the planets revolve around the sun and the sun moves through space. Making earth kinda like a big spaceship. Not really but kinda. And that everyday and night is slightly different in terms of our location in the big picture. The universe I guess. Anyway. Could get a handle on my boner attacks by kinda sexting with the Japanese whore I like. Just talking inappropriately with a women you know you’re sexually attracted to over WhatsApp can soothe a raging libido. Asking her for a picture of her face I can jerk off to, (I wasn’t going to, but saying this shit to a woman is exciting) telling her how I am going to whip out my hard cock when I see her, telling her how hard I am right now for her, how I am going to put my tounge in her wet pussy and all that. Stuff that is pretty darn bothersome once a load has been shot. Because it feels really gross, because it IS gross and like someone else, controlling my actions. Hah, what the power of boner will make me do. Incredible. Other then that I am sitting here, smelly and feeling uneasy, on a Sunday. Having in mind that I actually got told that my current work situation won’t work out with going back to uni. I would need to get to pick and choose on which days I start either at 7am or 4pm. Seems to not work that way, my team leader let me know on a side note, talking about holiday capacities. Either all early or all late shifts. That would collide with the schedule at uni but I have to double check again and worst case scenario arrange an exit with my temp work company. Pack my stuff up, metaphorically speaking and go back to arrange myself with me parents. Horrible. I fled from them end of last year. And told myself that soon as I get a job, I cut all ties and vanish. But being put in a program mandatory for people on jobless benefits really messed with my head and made me dead set getting a uni degree. Seeing how this asshole teacher acted as if he is the shit, teaching scum like us (I exclude myself but in groups, I always do) base level German. (Program was aimed at migrants fresh off the boat, but they didn’t care) It was clear that if there is just an ounce of chance I am put in the role of pupil under those assholes, I would voluntarily sign up as student so a degree will say that they can go fuck themselves. I dont know. That’s not exactly it. But roughly speaking. Contemplate going to the movies and watch Dunkirk. Would set me back 10€ I don’t have. Considering budgeting to pay 315€ for uni in September. Which is laughable compared to other countries, just for record’s sake. But hey, the other option is paying up to 80€ for whores plus the gas to make the trip. Only to maybe go to the movies anyways. But no. I got a weird feeling in my stomach thinking bout paying for sex today. I am really just sitting around and feel as if the sun has entered an entire new chapter, dragging us with him. Her. Him if you speak in daoist terms. Her if you like the idea. But anyway. What to do? Do I wanna know? Laundry and then… internet porn, maybe. If I’m wise, maybe not. O really. Fire up the barbie and roast some marshmallows, I would, if I could choose. Or roast some chestnuts. Just sit before an open fire would be nice. Or whip out my hard cock in front of a girl who is expected to be fine with getting groped and played with until the balls are empty somehow. Because I come so fast, I usually try to satisfy my boners interest in the female anatomy for as long as I can. Which is just one way to avoid shooting my load without it getting boring. Having had my first time with 29 doesn’t help. Was always super shy then super all over acne and whatever. Usually what whores will do is make you lie down so they can suck your cock. Pretty anticlimactic considering what I daydream about. Would end in 2 min that way. But to bring reality close to those daydreams one has to do whatever. And I guess that’s true in every regard. Not only concerning sexy stuff. I wonder when my libido will even out so the bleak reality of life will not be interrupted noticeably by either fits of rage or intense desire. And what I would do once it did.

I

Admit. Today I sent out two SMS to two girls asking for “dates”. If I’m lucky none of them will answer I guess. My luck I ain’t Catholic. With my need to confess, right? They’re both in their early twenties and German. One of them does not do intercourse but oral stuff and both live in the same city. That city shows a lot of young professionals. Maybe due to that horned idol sitting in the garden pond before the central station. I noticed visiting friends from church, back when I went to church. But anyway. Even went out to get some cash from the atm while shopping for some aspirin because of some serious neck pain. Due to wrong workout and bad sleeping patterns and a cheap mattress. But I felt a pull away from the bank so I didn’t. Just went straight home, sat my overweight ass down, swallowed two aspirin and wrote up another sms. Following the one I sent, before I went out. I can’t help it man. Biology. So annoying. I could just jerk off and be done with it. But that is no option, I’d rather pay for a girl to help me with that. I mean, I still last for seconds only. And to be honest, the thrill for me is gone once I entered and I just want it to be over with. The thrill for me is in everything that happens before. Like the built up. I remember coming just by touching the pussy of a Japanese whore, the one I already mentioned, (went to her four times) and watching her enjoying herself. Yea, I guess my stamina would improve if I would have sex everyday and if it would get old. But right now that’s just not the situation. So I enjoy playing with an attractive women’s body. And enjoy both: Feeling and letting her feel my rock hard boner while grabbing her in ways that are inappropriate for strangers who just met but feel kinda right. As I said most of them will cut off the playtime before they come because they worry they get worn out by long intercourse afterwards. And usually they are chinese so that I can’t communicate to them that this wouldn’t be the case. But it is my kind of entertainment I guess. And what is wrong with that, right? Besides being expensive. This is one of those: Don’t do it by getting it out of my system, writing it down, posts. My apologies, no, really. 

Marriage 

The bible says, should be to virgins only. Divorce is forbidden and adulterers are stoned to death. If I remember correctly. Not exactly applicable to today’s standard. But think about it. I am a Christian, or at least I believe in Jesus. Yet I struggle with my urge to go and visit whores. Now the bible explicitly calls out those who visit whores as sinners. But if there are gay pastors, why not not pastors who openly pay for sex and smoke and drink? That should be respectable too right? Come to think of it, that would be only fair. They say it’s all love, that they didn’t choose to be that way. Well, neither did I. So, I should be the most righteous Christian of them all. Funny thing is I know that it isn’t right. How, you may ask. Because there is an innate sense of right and wrong. Some people decided to make laws out of it, because that is what we do. Only so we can fuck it up afterwards. Some people lack it completely. Some people need to push their standards on others. But undeniably we are wired a certain way, the lack of proper inhibitors in some only conforming the rule. So I don’t need the bible nor do I need the picture of an all knowing father to know that what I do when I browse the net for whores is wrong. And I do think it is a problem that gay people don’t think the same way. They should know that it is wrong to be gay. In the same way that incest, paedophilia and all other expressions of sexual love other then in marriage is. But we live in strange times. After all, most cultures with strong military caste embraced homosexuality in men. Like Spartans, Samurai or Romans or Greeks. And pagans even had whores at their temples. I smile when I see Buddha statues in whore houses or anywhere really. They are usually placed somewhere disrespectful. Whore houses being one of them. Like the bathroom or bedroom. There are rules for placing Buddha statues, but I digress. Well Roman Catholics deal with the paedophilia and you know those priests say to those children that God would be ok with it. Just as gay people say God would be ok with their sexuality to anyone willing to listen. In both cases they do damage by justifying their action with God’s approval. I admit that the first is more fucked up then the latter. Yet they’re both fucked. Now, Achilles was gay, Alexander the great was gay, I don’t know, many people I respect were gay or bi or whatever. Point is, I draw the line when it comes to Christianity. Anyone who thinks it is conform then I will say that they are like the paedophile priests who also don’t think that what they do is wrong. I know it is a stretch to put those two on the same level but I know that I can’t absolve myself from my habit to get turned on by whores. So I can’t absolve either of those too. On a completely other note, that girl who bothered me at work got fired today. Such a relief. She would have dragged the whole team performance down. I tell you they exist. People who are incompetent, ugly and yet, people who eat and shit like the rest. So we treat all the same somehow. I think it’s true. Without pretty faces people would die out. Because intercourse would be just too disgusting to be pleasurable. There is this real ballbreaker of a girl at the postpaid department. Too much of a ballcutter then to be my type but “pretty” in conventional terms. Now she farted accidently when I called her over to ask her something. Only two girls witnessed it who were since let go. One the 19 year old girl I secretly fantasized about while jerking off (still would if I could convince myself that there is no better me then that) and today the Teichmann girl. I kept quiet about it because to be honest, I actually didn’t and still don’t care. Wasn’t much of a fart anyway, more like a baby fart. I don’t give a fuck because I am too smart to burden myself. Yet I notice that some of them make fart sounds when I am in ear shot. The department I have since left I mean. Even the ballbreaker herself. Oh well, I guess that’s alright. I still don’t get worked up about it. Let’s just say that I had an anal fixation for the better part of my life, so I can sympathise with her to blame me for her faux pas. (However you spell this shit) I am just happy to have properly repressed that infantile parts of me like a proper adult. Can’t be a child forever eh? Hook and Pan. Locked in battle till death. Asians, from their facial features seem kinda half baked anyway. Compared to other ethnicities. That’s why we look so young. I kinda arranged myself with it. It is hard enough being unhinged from the proper environment to bear fruit that isn’t totally rotten from the seeds planted by migrant parents. When I see my Korean peers I could vomit. Even those who got adopted. Just one word comes to mind: Unhinged. Besides those who like me did drugs to get along in their teens and twenties. We suffered and rebuilt ourselves in tears from fucking pieces and came out survivors, rooted in ourselves and the ability to overcome. But anyway, I guess I’m just fresh out of ideas. 

 

Need

To switch places tomorrow. Nearly had a rage attack where I was close to exploding. There is this guy who does nothing but sit there who is supposed to be our guy we go to, to ask shit. Which is fine but this guy isn’t qualified for that. Which is fine too because he is even less qualified to take calls. So it is good for him he found his corner to hide away because he sucks at his job and would let everyone around him feel it. Now there is this girl who is equally unqualified. Who runs to that guy every second call. I hate the way she speaks and looks. Ok. I hate everybody. Tomorrow I will find another place to sit and do my fucking job. I swear those guys sit there and talk as loud as fuck about scratching their assholes while I am taking calls. This is intolerable and I will beat someone up if this continues. Funny thing is that maybe it is just sexual frustration and I would chill out after getting laid, which means paying for sex. But not really it would be just like smoking weed to feel good. A temporary fix to a chronic problem that this workplace is living hell where a career goes to die. But maybe those temporary fixes is what it’s all about man. Kinda like find meaning in those little things like fucking and eating. Certainly those assholes live by it. Now I listened to a YouTube vid about Marcus Aurelius who said that you can’t change others but you can change the way you react to shit. Or something to this effect. Marcus Aurelius. What a fucktard. Maybe it’s time to move on man. And by move on I mean go back to my parents store. I really really need a solution. Thinking about it, switching places would also be a temporary fix. But what isn’t really. Fuck I’ll stay and let it drive me insane then. Maybe I deserve no better. And this is where I begin to pity myself. Half a year ago I would have done anything to get a job. Maybe I should remind myself of that. Hope it gets me through the rest of the week. But maybe I will get saved. Maybe I am not alone. Maybe there is hope. Why? How? Hmm interesting. I’ll check out if there are free seats at the other end tomorrow and try to hide myself away. Fingers crossed. At least it will be interesting to see if it’ll work out.

Cold 

Showers. Chin ups, though paused for a week to cure my golfers elbow. Still not 100 percent, but I can’t wait any longer. Set me back to 4 reps, from maybe 6 or 7 the week before. Low carb diet. College algebra courses on YouTube. What else. O yeah, I managed to sneak one place away from that cave troll at work. Even though we were friendly, she is annoying as hell. She can’t talk to customers but was really useful to keep an eye on my shifts. But at some point the benefits of focusing on my job outweighed keeping up an uneasy peace with ugly people. Ugly on the outside, ugly on the inside. They exist. In fact they’re everywhere in my department. No matter how you put it. Still feel her creepy way of spying on me because that is what those idiots do. Look what the next one does. I hate that feeling being observed. Makes me fly into a rage quietly. Pulling out a pen and draw some occult symbols on a piece of paper to let loose some serious spirit world punishment upon them. Funnily I’m a born again Christian, yet the Lord pleases to let me drown in rage until I am baked thoroughly to get bread I guess. But anyway. Plus she was on good terms with our former team leader. With her leaving and the new one being kinda new to it all, that went away too. That new team leader didn’t even bother to add me to her outgoing mail regarding our monthly or weekly update on numbers. I think I received the mail where she sent us her phone number. Gotta write her a SMS tomorrow about that and about the mail regarding reduction of hours I sent her last Friday. Cause she didn’t answer. Every women who I am put under starts out kinda disliking me by default. I dont fucking care cause at some point it usually shifts to the opposite. I swear, I don’t know why it has to be that way and frankly it gets old and I just calculate it into my daily dealings as a factor and get back to business. Some shit about me I am not aware of and wouldn’t bother changing anyway if it was brought to my attention. Otherwise it is easier if people like you because any job needs a certain flow of communication. And if they just hate your guts it can get difficult. Which is why I wouldn’t bother moving up the ladder. Would hate talking to these assholes. Otherwise my numbers are pretty lousy. Friendliness is ok. AHT is ok. Yet the satisfaction rate regarding solutions are underwhelming. 6 point something out of a goal around 7.9. A well at least I know I am doing a damn fine job. Regarding everything else that is. O yea and that new TL refuses to send our working hour receipt to our temp work company. Cause she’s weird. Everyone else does it, so there you go. Stuck with a newbie weirdo as leader. At least she’s a solid 5 out of 10. Yet not enough of eye candy to seriously overlook the major issues. I can’t help it, I’m a guy, if women are cute you will be more willing to let it pass. But I swear, first sign I see that either holidays can’t be taken or hours shifted to accommodate uni, I’m out. And deal with the hell of going back working for my parents. I just feel the need to prioritize uni. Why? I don’t know. I seriously fear that it will be the same as work and besides, I hated school and hated it last time I checked. Yet with 30 I am more mature to deal with my hate. At least: A little. And hey, I would be a damn fool working a dead end job without some plan for the future. Maybe I’ll go opposite. Go full time and live life as Mr. Call centre agent. Maybe NOT. Fuck that: University, here I come! Had a nocturnal emission today. Damn embarrassing but hey, this shit right here is as therapeutic as it gets. Usually a stupid wet dream that triggers it. That and a disposition for internet porn. So hard to quit the habit. Once that dopamine fires up in your neurons or where ever dopamine is fired up. So I reap what I sow but it’s just like lady bosses disliking me. Nocturnal emissions usually become less of an issue after couple of months no fap. And just something of an expected factor along the way. Seriously the shit I got comfortable writing about is crazy but I crossed that line a month ago. So fuck it. Maybe it will get even crazier. I remember that borderline possessed writing sessions in my early twenties. That shit was out there. At some point I was about to invent a new tarot like card system. Based on 3 principles in interaction with another 3, mirroring the three joints of the index finger, left and right respectively. Led nowhere but just a reminder of how out there my thought process was. To this day my friends say that I went crazy. The bad way. The way that you don’t call. Haha I can laugh now. I guess going crazy was necessary for me to evolve. Evolution has to happen when you get pushed out of your comfort zone. And going crazy needs a lot of adaptation to get a handle on. So, leaving behind my friends is not only necessary, sometimes my sadness about it makes me think I went astray. When really I went up up and away. Although I am remembered as that guy that went crazy. Maybe an exercise to discard reputation. Cause that is the right thing. Or maybe I got it all wrong and they had it all figured out all along. But I write this with the euphoria of the opposite being the case putting an invisible smile on my face. As long as it feels this good, sign me up for the whole program. Cause I am committed for the whole ride anyway. I hope I can stop myself adding shit to this post!

Work

Went as expected. I noticed better performance without the distraction of incompetent assholes around me. Worries me that I am the only one who actually cares about job performance rather then screaming about life, girlfriend, boyfriend or anything else that comes to mind. You see, they all consider this job as a place of how they can spent the time being assholes and get away with it. I’m not exaggerating at all. It is the lowlife scum I surround myself with. One gets washed up at a call centre because you fucked up along the way like me. Or you got a lazy and stupid disposition that gets one no regular job, or fired from such. At least I used the time in my twenties becoming a semi enlightened madmen. I can laugh at shit. I flirt with the thought of calling up whores I can’t afford. Because I get bored and horny. Thats why I’m writing this up instead. I refuse to masturbate because I noticed my hair thinning out and take that as proof that it drains energy. Little concerned about uni, starting this winter semester. Need to get some capacity to free up in order to take holidays for courses and a reduction of working hours. If I can get both in the next weeks I’m fine. If not I need to quit and go back to work at my parents store. Met my father recently, it would be really bad if I would have to see that asshole every day. At least I got an option to choose if my current work situation shouldn’t accommodate my needs. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t work out. Those team leaders simply don’t give a shit. I wouldn’t too because the captain of a bunch of assholes gotta be a even greater asshole I guess. Better prepare an exit strategy too, since I’m there over temp work company. Man, I sure do use the word “asshole” a lot. Maybe still traumatised by that smell and taste of that Japanese booty. Never can I picture the pretty face of Asian women without… but hey, maybe that ain’t so bad either. If I could I would just live for myself. Like a hermit. Yea. I don’t need anyone but those relationships that are feeding me, putting clothes on my back, a roof over my head and occasionally make babies with. Would do without the last if I could. Maybe I can find a way to work around that. Without a girlfriend. I hate people. And the women that matches my mind is yet to be born. And I know that physical attraction wears off so if the heavens don’t open and let a women descend for me to marry I refuse to date. And the world signals me in its own way that I’m not supposed to. Again, call me crazy but when I hear those low life retards hiding behind their relationships, heck any relationship, I’m damn glad that we have nothing in common.

 

The

Black or dark haired caucasian girls or young women. A study and gross generalization. If left unattended may develop a taste for the more morbid things in life. You know, graveyard stuff. Generally introverted. Not very outspoken but quiet and observing. … the end. A type I feel a strong affinity to. Maybe because I got a blonde soul. If opposites really do attract and not the other way round that is. Had to laugh today buying lemons. Watching the girl at the register grow really self conscious when she set eyes on me. Maybe she fancied the Asian type, I don’t know. But I noticed her head working and the atmosphere thicken. Luckily I’m not a teenager anymore and learned how to mirror and caricature most vibes sent out. Like: “Yea, I know I’m like the coolest dude you ever saw, right? Right! Am I right? Look I’m buying organic lemons and pay in cents cause it breaks my bank.” Kinda helps take the edge off awkward situations. Otherwise I’m met and expect general dislike of my personality. Because I dislike most people. My expectations are just too high. I get deceived by looks. People who look alright turn out to be horrifyingly shallow. Starting with my parents. I raised myself by unlearning everything and building myself from scratch. Yet let my parents take the credit when I seem to others that I turned out alright. Cause of financial reasons and shit. Still, ah whatever.

Then there is that type of women who have, without doubt, a history of incest running in their family. Especially in the German clan of the Teichmanns. I met two of them in my lifetime and both are really annoying to the point of enraging. People who are like nails to the board and absolute leeches, feeding off any and everything to survive. Well, it is either getting enraged by that utter failure of a human being or contemplating sex with hookers. I guess I’ll take the rage. Hey, be careful what you wish for right? Maybe that is the devil, switching gears. I don’t know but I can muse. Yes, definitely. Inferior men, and women, they exist. And are spawn of the devil. Coming to the forefront after attacks with sexy young girls selling their body didn’t work out. Haha. I’m alone tomorrow at work. For our department that is. It will be heaven. I am a psychic sponge and as I mentioned earlier am held back by others. For instance I had those thoughts of “Who am I?” in my head and definitely knew they came from that 19 year old half polish, half Indian girl who has since left the department. It sounds crazy but I know it is the truth. First it almost got me convinced they’re mine but I am too sure of what I do and don’t know, so I dug deeper and found her as a source. That cry for help. Pathetic. Today it was that utter crushing thought of incompetence. That I’ll be found out that I am a fraud and no good at what I do and dont belong. Psychic profiling says: Clan of Teichmanns, nervous energy, looks like, is built and sounds like a weasel. Pathetic and annoying, double combo. Why I am picking up on that kind of vibe? Maybe I was a healer once, but definitely not know. It seems to be a remnant of another life. Only the women too. Maybe explains my overly sexual nature since boyhood. Instead I am left to my own devices. Maybe I need that antenna to pick up counsel of the angels too. Maybe you think I’m mad. Maybe you know that I don’t care. I know who I am from letting the abyss stare back at me, years and years ago and I know I am doing a damn fine job, no matter or because I don’t care what others think and say about me. Maybe, hopefully, tomorrow will be a day to focus on work, focus on customers, focus on the job and not on miserable assholes who I want to know I consider trash of the earth. For being assholes. For talking like assholes. For looking like assholes. For sending asshole vibes. For trying to make everyone around them an asshole. What one does for getting paid huh? Gotta eat. Gotta deal with that transmutation of creative energy: By plunging into a shithole of emotions. Alright. At least I don’t have to fight a boner. Haha